I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
