I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
