just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
