I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
