he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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