i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
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