I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
