Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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