you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
