I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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