I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
