Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week đ
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying âFUCK YOUâ to all my spam emails. Canât tell you how excited I am
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