i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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