My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
