I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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