Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
