Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
