dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
