There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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