Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
