your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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