I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
