there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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