Your face is a jimmy john
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
