Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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