please come you make the beer taste better
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
