My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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