Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
