I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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