I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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