the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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