I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
