I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
