I'm jealous of your bromance
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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