She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
