I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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