He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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