Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
