My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
