dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
