I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
