I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
