What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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