The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
