mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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