There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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