All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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