i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
