the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
