god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
And then my night got REAL pukey
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