I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
